Wednesday, March 3, 2010

"Insecurity." and Progression.

I had some free time today so I decided to re-read through some of my older entries and in the process of doing that I came across a blog entry titled "Insecurity." I wrote the entry on July 29, 2009 on a blog that I no longer use. As I read it I was reminded of my past and also amazed with how much I had progressed in such a sort span of time - a mere seven months. Here's the entry:

""We all have insecurities" - such a simple and basic fact of life, right? Right. But why do we have them? They play no positive roles in our lives... nothing good can come from constantly feeling sorry for ourselves and not taking steps to become better people. I desire nothing more than to become a better person which is why I need to write this blog and get all of this in writing.

Anyone who has ever met me will tell you that I do not come off as an insecure person. I'm confident, optimistic and friendly - some would even go as far as to say that I am the opposite of insecure. I would beg to differ. Socially, I am confident and extroverted. Emotionally, on the otherhand, I am very insecure and introverted. 

With that being said, I am not naive as to why I am the way I am. Growing up I did not have what most would consider a "stable home environment". From the time of my parents' divorce (1999) and on my life was lacking in every sort of stability imaginable. People came, people went... over and over and over again.  I had become all to familiar with the feeling of being abandoned and not understanding people's motives for leaving. I saw myself as the only common factor between all of the instances. I was eight years old and it took an unbelievable emotional toll. Since I was a child and not able to change my own circumstance I did what people instinctively do when faced with adversity - adapt.  Being emotionally detached... it seemed like a brilliant and seemingly innocent way to handle life's little ups and downs without getting emotionally exhausted. What I failed to recognize was that I was creating an enduring habit that would have innumerable detrimental effects throughout the next decade of my life and beyond. 

I am now 18 years old and trying my absolute hardest to eradicate this habit from myself. I have made much progress in the past couple of years but there is still so much room for growth. I am at a point where I can let people in but I inevitably have the same reoccurring thoughts: "What if they decide to leave? You can't make them stay, you know that. Prepare yourself for their departure, it's only a matter of time." Those thoughts always lead to drastic over analyzing and worrying and then my conditioned response of withdrawing myself emotionally. I am hoping that the realization that what I do is harmful not only to me but also to the ones I love so dearly will provide the much needed motivation to overcome my childish fears."

Since the time when I wrote that entry I have almost completely overcome my fear of abandonment. To clarify, if I imagine someone close to me leaving of course it still scares me... The difference is how I let the fear effect me. Where I used to think, "What if they decide to leave? You can't make them stay, you know that. Prepare yourself for their departure, it's only a matter of time." which was typically accompanied by emotional withdrawal has changed into, "If they leave, I would be crushed... But I am choosing to love them despite this fear because they have not left yet - they are here. Cherish the time you have with them instead of dreading the time you may not have with them." I am pleased with my progress so far. I have proven to myself that if you sincerely want to become a better person and you are willing to work at it, even the most stubborn habits can be eradicated.

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